A popular Bay Area based weekly paper sent us an invite yeaterday to do a feature titled, “Ise Lyfe: Oakland’s Most Beautiful Man.” Umm, couple things:
1. There’s no way I’m Oakland’s most beautiful man.
2. Do you know how hard I would get teased for some ish like that!
3. These haters would want to kill me with laser beam hater daggers when
they saw that!
4. How disrespectful is it to men living in Oakland to call a cat that doesn’t
even live in Oakland anymore the most beautiful man there?!
5. What would the article be about? My flawless elbows?
6. I would rather be noted as Oakland’s most best at playing ping pong man
(no one can see me in Ping Pong cousin) or Oakland’s most bestest
Scrabble player man (I’m the speller champion of the universe)
7. What if all the new hipsters in Oakland start a protest contesting my new
beautiful award based on my lack of vintage clothing, long beard,
trampling stride, or flannel shirt with dusty pants ensemble collection?!
8. Everybody knows that Night Doggy from Soul Beat is the most beautiful
man in Oakland.
9. Then do I have to like uphold being beautiful all the time? Cause I might
want to some ugly stuff sometime. Then what?! People gon’ be like
“Uh uh look at him over there wearing pajamas and a helmet outside
and he spose to be beautiful.” Nope! I don’t need that pressure.
10. Come on blood…